An Epic of No Proportions or Intelligence
by Maris DiStella
Summary: It has explosions, it has big guns, it has robots, it has space ships, it has--Sailor Senshi?!? (The Gundam pilots are just as confused as you might be as you read this) What the hell . . . read it and learn what all the noise is about.
1. Party Pooper

** People, this is a once-in-a-lifetime reading experience!! Never again will you see me, Ariake Hikaru, writing a G-Wing/Smoon crossover, EVER, so enjoy this, because you will NOT see anything like this EVER, EVER again!! If for some deranged and incomprehensible reason you happen to enjoy this, please PLEASE don't ask me to write more crossover crap, but do instead leave a nice, healthy review ^_^. Please. The only reason I wrote this was because A. I am on crack and B. It occurred to me that it might just be humourous. (By the way, I'm kidding about reason A.) Thank you, and goodnight. **  
  
DISCLAIMER!! I don't own Sailormoon, but thank you Miss Takeuchi for creating SM. I don't own Gundam Wing, but thank you to its creators ('specially the character designers *droooool*). I don't own any other random copyrighted characters that might just happen to make their way into this story. So please don't sue me. It's not my fault I'm insane. *blink* Ok, I'm done.  
  
--The following account has absolutely no base in reality, just the anime story arcs of Sailormoon and Gundam Wing (I haven't seen G-Wing or SM in awhile, so their might be some small errors). Any resemblance to persons real or made-up is either imagined, non-existant, or just plain coincidental. No names have been changed, because the innocent no longer deserve to be protected. MWAHAHAHA! --  
  
The sound of Chibi-Usa's small feet pounding against white marble floors resonated throughout the uncharacteristic silence of the palace. Sweat streamed down her face and she felt that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't fill her lungs with the air she so desperately needed. When the corridor she was running through split, she only stopped long enough to decide which direction to go. She hastily took the corridor that lead to the east wing, and continued running. But before she had a chance to go very far, she heard the steady thump-thump of the running steps she was trying to escape, and to her dismay, the corridor ended abruptly in front of a door that was locked to everyone but the queen. In desperation she ducked behind one of the decorative columns that ran the length of the corridor. Then she heard a man's silkyvoice.  
  
"Small Lady . . . I know you have it, now give it to me!"  
  
She squirmed deeper into the shadow of the column and shut her eyes tightly.  
  
"Only one person possesses the Space Heart, and the Queen doesn't possess it, I already checked." The man laughed softly as Chibi-Usa trembled with fear, for she could hear him getting closer. "That means, you have it."  
  
She wrinkled her nose. 'Why would I have it?' she thought to herself.  
  
"Simply because either you or your mother always possess everything. The most power, the purest heart, the purest dream etc., etc. So that makes my search a lot easier!"  
  
Chibi-Usa stifled her own scream. 'He can read minds!' she thought frantically.  
  
"Yes. I can." He said, very happy with himself.  
  
She shivered. She was going to be killed here, she was sure, and yet, where were the sailor soldiers, and her father? Why weren't they there to protect her?  
  
"I took care of all them. No one can help you know."  
  
By the sound of his voice, Chibi-Usa could tell he was about to uncover her hiding place and possibly kill her, so she decided it was time to pull out her trump card. She reached into her shirt and pulled out a key; the time key, and began to chant the incantation which would transport her to the safe world of the sailor soldiers of the past. Before she could finish saying it correctly however, the man appeared before her and attempted to grab her. She screamed, then disappeared into a blinding sphere of light. Unfortunately for her, she did not reappear in the place she had originally intended.  
  
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The sweet, melodious sounds of a lively violin solo wafted through the evening desert air, intoxicating the surrounding party guests even more than they already were. Quatre stood illuminated on a raised platform, making his violin sing for his guests. He smiled as he watched them all dance, and thought to himself how wonderful it was to be this happy again. As his solo came to an end, the band that was seated all around him picked up the music and continued playing the frolicsome tune that Quatre had begun.  
  
Just as Quatre had stepped off of the platform, one of the Maguanacs slung his arm around Quatre's shoulders. "Maester Quatro!" He said, speech slurred. Quatre laughed at his obvious drunkeness. "I juuus' wanna thank ya for havin yerself this partay here. I haven't had this much fun since . .. uh . . . "  
  
"I'm glad you're having fun, because I am too, and I haven't had fun in a loooong time!" Quatre said with a warm smile, gently pushing the Maguanac's arm off of him.  
  
"Geereeeeat! See ya' laturrr." The man grinned widely and left Quatre alone to wander into the palacial estate that was once his home. "I think I'll watch from one of the upstairs balconies." He said, walking to the great, spiral staircase. He quickly made his way up the steps, eager to get to his favorite room in the house, the library, and watch the party from there.  
  
He padded quietly through the empty hallway, passing many, many massive doors, until he stopped in front of a particularly large one. He leaned heavily against it and pushed it open and for a few moments he stood and took everything in. Then he purposely walked over to one of the many bookshelves. "How long has it been since I've been in here?" He mused as his eyes scanned the shelves. His gaze finally rested on a particularly worn volume, and he pulled it out tenderly, carrying it with him to the glass double doors at the back of the room.  
  
The doors clicked open when gently turned the ornate knobs, and he stepped out into the fresh air of a large balcony. The navy sky glittered with stars, making Quatre put his hand against his heart. "I wonder what the other pilots are doing right now, and where they are . . ." He mused quietly to himself. He leaned over the stone railing that enclosed the balcony and continued to observe the sky. "It feels like just yesterday that I was among those stars." He said with a heavy sigh, folding his arms on the railing and resting his chin on them. "All for moments like these . . ." He closed his eyes and savored the night air.  
  
A sudden commotion in the patio interrupted his reverie. His eyes flew open, squinting as he leaned far over the rail to try to catch a glimpse of what was happening down below. The Maguanacs were in an uproar, for a young man around his age seemed to be trying to crash the party. Quatre leaned closer, and saw that the young man carried what seemed to be a squirming person in his arms. Something about this young man was very familiar to Quatre, from his stride to the way he carried himself, something about him struck Quatre as familiar. When the young man pulled a gun on the Maguanacs without hesitation, Quatre knew who it was. He turned tail and ran out of the serenity of his upstairs alcove and went straight to the patio. A gunshot and screams met Quatre's ears before he reached the party.  
  
"Stop! Stop! STOOOOOOOP!!!!!" Quatre's uncharacteristically strident scream silenced everyone, and Heero Yuy lowered his gun to his side.  
  
Quatre walked out to Heero and shook his hand enthusiatically to the shock of the party goers. "Heero! What are you doing here?? It's been so long! In fact, I was just wondering about you a few seconds ago!"  
  
"I really need to talk to you about this." Heero said, his voice ringing with irritation as he held up a small, pink-haired, red eyed girl by the scruff of her neck. The girl was obviously trying to scream and escape, but the duct tape covering her mouth and binding her hands and feet was a major inconvenience.  
  
Quatre's eyes widened slightly, then he gestured toward his mansion with his golden head. "Let's talk about this inside." He said, dropping his voice.  
  
"Good idea." Heero replied, slinging the girl over his shoulder like a potato sack, much to her obvious chagrin.  
  
As they walked together to the double doors that lead inside, Quatre turned slowly to face his party guests once more. "Please, it's rude to stare. You can continue the party now." Right at his command, the music swelled to fill the night air once more, and Heero, Quatre and the girl went inside. 


	2. The Princess and her Thingies

Quatre rushed inside and flipped on the lights of the main sitting room of the house, which was usually reserved for the visits of dignitaries and the like. He ushered Heero inside and motioned for him to sit down on either one of the priceless looking, chaises, loveseats or sofas, and exited. Heero chose to rest his rear on an Italian leather sofa, and he deposited the squirming girl face down into one of the spaces between cushions. The girl writhed even more violently than before, and Heero chuckled softly.  
Quatre returned with a silver tray in his hands that held two tall glasses of lemonade and a smaller glass of chocolate milk. He carefully placed the tray on an elegant class coffee table and sat daintily on a chair that was directly across from Heero, who had already grabbed his glass of lemonade and commenced drinking it.  
"HOLY SHIT!" Heero cried out, slamming the glass back on the tray. "How much sugar did you put in this Quatre!??" Quatre frowned as he checked the glass, tray and table for damage. "The amount of sugar I always put in my lemonade." Quatre replied, relieved that nothing had happened to his expensive glassware and furniture.  
Heero's eyes narrowed to slits. "You're going to die very soon." Quatre frowned once again, then moved his gaze from Heero to the pink haired girl. His frown deepened. "Heero! We're never going to learn anything about this girl if you treat like that!!" He said, rising to pull her out from between the cushions.  
"Treat her like what??" Heero shrugged innocently as Quatre tenderly picked up the girl and sat her down properly on the sofa.  
"Now, I'm going to take this tape off, but before I do, I want you to promise you're not going to scream and try to run away. Ok??" Quatre said in a soft patient voice that was obviously reserved for those in extreme distress or without sanity.  
The girl seemed to consider her options, then nodded slowly. Heero took this as a cue to place his hands firmly on her small shoulders to prevent any possible escape, and Quatre slowly removed the tape that was binding her, starting with her feet and finishing with her mouth.  
"So do you want to tell us your name, where you are from, and why you are here?" Quatre spoke in the same gentle voice.  
"I am Princess Usagi Tsukino, from the 30th Century where my mom and dad are the King and Queen. They are in grave danger to I came to find the sailor senshi so they can help me."  
The two boys blinked at each other in utter puzzlement.  
"What's a sailor . . . thingy??" Quatre asked, not bothering to hide his confusion.  
The Princess sighed in exasperation and jumped off the sofa. "You two morons obviously can't help me. I can tell I've landed in the wrong time period, so excuse me, I'm using the time key again so I can end up in the right place. Bye!" Heero lunged from the sofa before Quatre had a chance to blink and grabbed Chibi-Usa's shoulders.  
"Oh no you don't. You're not going anywhere. I've learned from experience not to trust little girls. Especially loud and imperious little girls." Heero growled.  
"Ooowie! You can't treat a princess like this!!"  
"I don't care who or what you are. I treat you how I very well please."  
"You are going to be in sooooo much trouble with the royal guard, I can promise you that!"  
"Cut the crap kid and listen. First of all, what the hell is a sailor senshi and what is a time key? Is it some kind of weapon."  
"I'm not telling you anything. You're obviously too dumb to understand." Chibi-Usa leaned back and tried to kick Heero in the nearest area. He dodged easily and clamped his hands down even harder on her shoulders.  
"OWWWWW! Leave me ALONE!"  
"NO!"  
"YES!"  
"NO!"  
"SHUT UP, both of you! NOW!" Quatre shouted, looking ruffled. Heero quietly let go of Chibi-Usa and seated himself beside her. "Neither of you are moving until I get all the facts straight from you," he pointed angrily at Chibi-Usa. "Do you understand me!??" Tears welled up in Chibi-Usa's eyes as she slowly nodded.  
"If you make the kid cry, it's your problem, not mine." Heero sniffed as Quatre's eyes widened in frustration.  
"I'm not crying!" Screamed Chibi-Usa.  
"I think I'm going to start crying." Quatre mumbled.  
"Oh god." 


End file.
